TLC GUEST BLOGGER: Carmen Richardson, MSW, RSW, RCAT, REAT
“Gratitude is the inward feeling of kindness received. Thankfulness is the natural impulse to express that feeling. Thanksgiving is the following of that impulse.”
Henry Van Dyke
Nov. 28 is Thanksgiving Day in the U.S. – a day set aside to perhaps take a moment to invite our awareness and attention to what we are grateful for in our lives. It might be in response to the kindness of others or simply being in awe of the beauty in the world around us. Like today, watching the multiple shades of pink rising with the sun shimmering through a soft veil of snowflakes. Then, to my delight, the dark shadow of antlers began moving across this backdrop, and the moose carried on into the beautiful dawn sunrise. That was my morning prayer.
When we experience that sense of gratitude, as Henry Van Dyke writes in the quote above, we may have the impulse to express this gratitude by offering thankfulness. I sometimes wonder what happens with that impulse to express – do we follow it through with action? With a reciprocation of kindness? Do we pay it forward?
The action of gratitude is following our impulse of thankfulness and expressing it through acts of thanksgiving. We teach children to be gracious by thanking others for their kindness. It doesn’t have to stop there. We can teach children about being grateful for one another, for seeing the flowers blooming in the garden, the smell of freshly cut grass, and the fun of building a snowman. There is no end to what we can be grateful for.
I often wonder about the children and youth I journey with as a therapist, who have gone through much trauma and abuse. I wonder, “What do they think about gratitude?” Post-traumatic growth would suggest that perhaps some people who have gone through traumatic times will have a deeper sense of gratitude or purpose in life. True, some of us become stronger in character as a result of living through the tough and rising tall on the other side of adversity. I personally have experienced this, and I have professionally, over and over again, witnessed teens/children rising on the other side with gracious hearts.
What is clear to me is the power we have right now to cultivate an awareness of gratitude and to create a practice of expressing our thankfulness. Action. As with most things in life that we want to change, shift up, develop – we make a plan of action. If we don’t have the habit of expressing gratitude, we can certainly create a plan to begin shaping the habit.
In life, we can open ourselves to give thanks for the little things, even the annoying things, especially the challenging and frustrating things that happen. Can we train our brain to pay attention to the “cup half full”? We are full of potential, to shift, to change, to rewire our habitual ways of being. And truly, it is never too late to change our focus. In fact, something beautiful just might happen!
Here are some ideas you might want to experiment with, if you haven’t already:
• Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty
This fall, with my craze on for painting and writing on stones, I found a website where a woman has painted peace symbols on over 12,000 small stones. She travels to various places and leaves these peace stones for others to find. Why not join her? Google Peace Rocks with Alison Ciarlante. Imagine finding one of these little treasures and how it might brighten your day.
• Gratitude Rocks
I followed suit with painting many peace stones and share them with my clients, friends and family, but writing words of gratitude and giving them to those around you is also a nice gesture. I have also invited young people I work with to create gratitude stones that have words or images on the stones of things they are grateful for.
• Pay it Forward
Up here in Canada, there was a cool trend happening at Tim Hortons – our famous coffee shops – where someone bought coffee for the next 500 customers in Edmonton, Alberta. Then it happened again in Winnipeg, Manitoba. This similar trend continued to happen all across Canada. We can pay it forward in small ways, like buying the cup of coffee for the next person in line, bringing a treat for a coworker. Start your own trend!
• A Tree of Thanks
Using real branches from a pruned tree makes a nice start for this project. Cut out paper leaves for you and your family to draw or write on things you are thankful for. This makes a lovely display for the thanksgiving meal.
• Chalk Board Fabric
This is another festive project for the thanksgiving table. Cut out a funky design with the fabric to make a runner for the table, write “Give Thanks” on the center and invite everyone to write on it during the meal. The discussion generates a real theme of gratefulness of Thanksgiving.
• Secret “Thanks”
Make little cards of thanks to people you want to take a moment to offer special notice of. It can simply be thanks for their presence in your life!
• Gratitude Journals
I remember back in 1996 when Sarah Ban Breathnack published the “Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude.” I wrote in my journal for years later. Since then there has been a proliferation of gratitude journals. Make your own gratitude journal, and collage the cover to your own delight.
‘Tis the season to find inexpensive pumpkins and squash at the local grocery store. Pick one up and, using markers, write, “What are you grateful for?”
• Gratitude Session
Cultivating gratitude in your daily life can become habit forming! Take 2-3 minutes, perhaps on the drive to and from work, and focus on the things you are grateful for in that moment.
• Morning and Night
Another opportunity to cultivate gratitude daily. Develop the habit of noting five things you are grateful for first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
• Something I Haven’t Thought of Being Grateful For
In the quest for being grateful, this question struck me in a new and fresh way. What have I not acknowledged being grateful for? Makes me think a little deeper.
What are you waiting for? The next person you see or talk to – give thanks for their presence in your life.
Perhaps you have an idea to share – post it!
“If the only prayer you every say in your whole life is ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.”
TLC Guest Blogger: William Steele, PsyD, MSW
Given the tragic and often traumatic events children are exposed to, we often hear stories of brave acts carried out by children. Many are called heroes.
Emalee Ayers was taught how to call 911 at age 4. Shortly after she called and saved her mother’s life, she was called a hero. Eric Cafazzo, age 10, applied the Heimlich maneuver on his younger sister and saved her life. He was called a hero. He learned to do the Heimlich maneuver at one of his Cub Scout meetings.
Seven-year-old Titus Adams was called a hero for running a half a mile through a mud field, crawling under an electric fence and pushing through a barbed wire gate to get to a dairy farm so someone could call for help. His mother’s car had flipped over five times. She was thrown out and was unconscious. He left his 5-year-old sister in the car, telling her not to cry and that he would be back (www.chinastrategies.com/lithero.htm).
Six-year-old Robert Licata from Sandy Hook Elementary was called a hero for leading a group of children to safety (www.policymic.com/articles/20869/10-heartwarming-stories-of-heroism-from-sandy-hook-shooting).
First, what these children did may be heroic or acts of bravery. I think it is important to distinguish between the two. Secondly, regardless of whether these were brave acts or acts of heroism, we need to appreciate the burden that comes with being called a hero, not only for the children who emerge as heroes but for those involved in the same situation as their “heroic” peer.
Dick Stodghill, veteran of the Normandy Invasion and Korean War and today a daily columnist, presents the following example of the difference between being a hero and acting bravely: “When a fireman is hosing down a burning building ready to collapse, he is acting bravely (doing what he was trained to do). If he runs into the heart of the flames to save another person with slight chance of survival, he is a hero.” (www.stodg.blogspot.com/2008/06/brave-vs-heroic.html).
When individuals do what they have been trained to do in the face of great challenges, they are acting bravely, as were several of the children in the examples we cited. They were trained to call 911, and in one case give the Heimlich maneuver.
That such young children could also do what they were trained to do when faced with a real danger is quite remarkable and certainly evidence of the value of early training regarding emergencies, strangers and other crisis situations. Perhaps the other two children were trained to run for help or to a safe place. Perhaps their reactions were instinctive and heroic.
Unfortunately, whether children act bravely or heroically, referring to them as heroes can become a significant burden because of how others now relate to them, as well as the expectations that come with being a hero.
In most cases heroes do not see themselves as heroes, as they feel they were simply doing what needed to be done. Most will tell you they hate being labeled as such because of the ways others begin to relate to them. Heroes are immediately placed on a pedestal and viewed as different by others, often as untouchable and perfect. Seen as perfect, they begin to find it difficult to openly express their fears, anxieties or worries about everyday developmental challenges to those around them. They are expected to be able to manage anything.
For these reasons, heroes often feel alienated from their immediate peers, especially those who may have been involved in the same threatening situation. For some of those peers, that hero is a constant reminder of the shame or guilt they may experience because they did not act in a similar manner.
This causes them to pull away from or totally avoid the hero. There really is no benefit to calling a child a hero. However when we refer to their actions as brave, we reinforce the value of what they were trained to do or the instinctive actions they took. We prevent alienating them from their peers, from being perfect and from expectations too difficult for children to manage.
We do need our heroes. They give us hope. They reinforce our goodness and strength. They give us a path to follow in the face of significant life challenges. They remind us of what is possible.
But let’s allow children to grow up being brave rather than possibly burdened by being called heroes.
By TLC Founder William Steele, PsyD
On Nov. 14 of this year, staff from Sandy Hook Elementary School will be spending the day with TLC sharing their stories. It will be almost one year since that unimaginable, violently tragic end of so many young, innocent and promising lives. What is unique about the gift these survivors will bring us are the lessons they continue to learn about surviving, the challenges of remaining resilient, the value of community, the many ways surviving children and families are coping and what has helped as well as hindered efforts to heal. Equally important, we will hear how our presenters are managing their own reactions as they continue months later to respond to the ongoing needs and worries of their students and staff.
This will be a unique perspective, as rarely do we hear from or even focus on the way survivors are experiencing themselves, their environments and their lives months following exposure to such tragedy. As we all know, the abundance of help and support provided following critical incidents begins to diminish after the first few weeks. When that help disappears, people are often left with limited resources. Rarely do people realize that the lives of many survivors change drastically in the months that follow and create new challenges that can compound and intensify their initial reactions. Consider for a moment how some of the staff at Sandy Hook have perhaps engaged in self-induced wounding when comparing how they responded to those staff who died as a result of their efforts to help. We know this self-induced wounding is not at all unusual, yet rarely is it discussed. There are so many elements to consider when thinking about survivors. Through their stories we all discover valuable lessons.
Having spent time with staff from New York City schools following 9/11, I can guarantee that while you are listening to the stories of the Sandy Hook staff, you will often say to yourself, “I would’ve never considered this possibility.” You will hear about experiences, reactions and challenges you would never have planned for in your efforts to be ready to respond to similar acts of violence in your schools or communities. However, you will leave the day feeling more prepared and likely add approaches to your current recovery protocol and procedures. You will also leave the day inspired by the strength and resilience of our presenters, despite how difficult it continues to be for them in the role of helping the children and families in their community most impacted by this tragic loss.
Their presence is a gift that will touch all of us in different ways. I know it will be one of those experiences you remember forever. We do hope you’ll show your support of our presenters and their community by joining us for this very exceptional opportunity to hear firsthand what they have discovered matters most to the their children, families and staff. Click here to register.
By TLC Guest Blogger: William Steele, PsyD, MSW
October is National Depression Awareness Month. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC, 2013) reports that an estimated 1 in 10 Americans report depression. A great deal of attention is given to depression, as should be the case. However, anxiety disorders are the most common mental illnesses in this country, affecting more than 40 million Americans, twice the estimated number who experience depression (ADAA, 2013). I always thought it curious that we view anxiety and depression as two separate disorders. The fact is 60 to 70 percent of those experiencing depression also have anxiety (Marano, 2011). Furthermore, the onset of depression is often preceded by childhood/adolescent anxiety disorder. Should anxiety and depression be two distinct disorders? More often than not the two coexist, and there’s growing agreement that they are not two separate disorders but two outcomes of facing life challenges. Actually, one nonprofit mental health advocacy group, Freedom From Fear, supports one week in May as National Anxiety and Depression Awareness Week. In Australia the entire month of October is Anxiety/Depression Awareness Month.
Anxiety is fear based, a constant worrying about what is going to happen next. Depression involves ongoing fear in addition to the belief that: “I will never get over this. I might as well give up.” They share many of the same genetics, neurobiology and symptoms, which make differential diagnosis difficult. However, the recommended interventions for both are the same, generally cognitive behavioral therapy, which TLC research suggests follow sensory-based interventions to be most effective (Steelev& Kuban, 2013). The use of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are also recommended for both, often on a trial basis to determine the most effective SSRI.
In summary, we ought to advocate for Anxiety/ Depression Awareness Month. Since anxiety generally precedes depression, more attention ought to be given to treating anxiety in early childhood and adolescence to help prevent later onset of depression. Assessment by symptoms alone can be misleading and make it difficult to differentiate anxiety from depression, suggesting we should evaluate the subjective experiences of individuals to support the presence of both depression and anxiety. The subjective experience common to both anxiety and depression is viewing oneself as incapable of coping with whatever is feared or appears to be hopeless. Engaging in sensory-based experiences that allow anxious and depressed children, adolescents or adults to alter their view of self as vulnerable and helpless to that of being resilient and empowered is what ultimately alters symptoms and behaviors. When these experiences result in shaping our thoughts (private logic) about self and life, it becomes much easier to engage new coping skills, involving changes in both our thought processes and behaviors. In essence we want these sensory-based, subjective experiences to enable individuals to view self as empowered and resilient. When this occurs avoidant behaviors, common to both anxiety and depression, begin to diminish.
Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA). Retrieved October 10, 2013 from http://www.adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics
Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). An Estimated 1 in 10 U. S. Adults Report Depression. (2013). Retrieved October 10, 2013 from http://www.cdc.gov/features/dsdepression/
Marano, H. (2-11). Anxiety and depress Together. Retrieved October 9, 2013 from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200310/anxiety-and-depression-together
Steele, W. & Kuban, C. (2013). Working With Grieving and Traumatized Children and Adolescents: Discovering What Matters Most Through Evidence- Based Sensory Interventions. New Jersey, John Wiley and Sons.
TLC Guest Blogger: Jean West, LCSW, CTC-S, CT
I admit I am still on a training “high.” It’s that feeling you get when you have the opportunity to be around like-minded passionate practitioners whose goal is the same as yours, to learn more about helping others heal from trauma.
As I write this blog, I am contemplating why it feels so good to come together and grow. Maybe it is because the work we do can be so incredibly difficult at times.
I remember last winter two brothers were referred to me whose father had committed suicide. They had walked in with their mom and found their dad after he had committed the act. I went through the drawing process separately with both boys, one after the other. I often quote the movie “Warhorse” in trainings, where the mom is describing why the father who has returned from war is so silent on his experience. She says, “there are some things there are no words to describe.”
That is why drawing is such a powerful tool, enabling us to help the integration of the right and left brain, and helping others to be able to put their experiences into words. After going through these two sessions, I was emotionally, physically and even spiritually exhausted. I ran home and laid down in front of my fireplace and took a short nap, needing rest from the stories that spring forth from our children’s souls.
That is why I love the TLC Summer Assembly. It is rest, rejuvenation, excitement, relationship and renewed learning for me. This is crucial for the work we do. However, I realize that all of us may not be able to attend trainings as much as we would like. How do we stay positive, focused and continue to grow?
First, when we do have the opportunity to attend workshops or trainings from anyone, stay positive. I have heard so many coworkers lament the fact that they are required to go to this or that. They have “too much work back at the office” to be away. However, it is even more important when we are feeling that overwhelmed to have a time away to remember why we are doing what we are doing. If we lose our purpose and joy in our work, how long can we remain a positive relationship in our client’s lives? In Daniel Siegel’s book, “The Whole-Brain Child,” he states, “The kinds of relationships our children experience will lay the groundwork for how they relate to others for the rest of their lives.” Our relationship teaches those with whom we work important relational skills, such as communicating and listening well, interpreting facial expressions, understanding nonverbal communication and much more. Never underestimate the power of a positive relationship in regards to healing.
Second, find a system for using what you learn. It is too easy to file away new knowledge without applying it to our current work. I recommend a checklist for every learning opportunity you receive:
- What are three concepts I learned I don’t want to forget?
- What is one area I caught a glimpse of that I want to learn more about?
- What is one hands-on activity I can use right away with those I work with?
Third, I imagine we have all been to a workshop where we thought, “Oh no, I picked the wrong one!” (Hopefully not mine!) I have learned long ago that there is always, always something I can learn and take away. It has to do with having a teachable spirit and being open to new ideas that maybe are different from our own. Last winter I attended a breakout session at a conference where I kept thinking, “Oh boy, I’m not sure about this.” The majority of the presentation was not my favorite, but I decided to stay and be positive. At the very end, the presenters brought forth a concept that spoke to me. I immediately saw how it could be a tool in family therapy and have been using it with great success since. Continue to be open to new learning!
Finally, find the one main concept in each book or article that you read regarding the work that we do that speaks to your heart and write it down. I am an avid reader, and until I learned this concept I wasn’t quite sure how to decide what was important to remember from all that I read and how to keep track of it. What I do now is keep a notebook of what I have read and the most important concept for me from each book that I learned. Some books will have more then one idea, but I limit my list to no more then two or three. This has helped me to remember and use what I am learning on an ongoing basis.
However you choose to grow, continue to grow as a person and a practitioner. When we are whole, we have more to give.
Keep growing, my friends, and keep impacting lives every day.
Siegel, D. & Payne Bryson, T. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.